permeating:

the one thing that makes me super happy is not near me and I’m never going to be okay with that

"Ma fleur est là quelque part…"

a lot of me wonders if our lives are pre determined. there was one conversation that we had on a sunny park bench at the beginning of spring. he said that at any given point in our lives when posed with any issue or decision, there is only one thing we will choose. we are compilations of everything we’ve ever experienced. we are decided by every action we make as well as everyone else’s. so, logically, there is only one answer to any question we are presented. one choice that we will keep making. i don’t know if that’s fate or something stranger. I don’t know what brings people places and takes them away. to me it seems like a web of crossed interactions, tangled at first glance, but a work of art when you step back. who knows if it’s random or written or a mix of the two. i have no idea. all i see is my life and the love that it’s filled with. and as much as ive always thought that we move through life unpredictably and randomly, I can’t help but question it now. how could this be a cosmic mistake when everyone sees how right it is? even that random french man that passed us as we were sitting on the steps of st. étienne talking. "je vous souhaite tout le bonheur du monde. vraiment. au fond de mon coeur" i dont know. i dont know at all. i am happy with him and he is happy with me. we both chose each other. that is enough of an answer for me right now. he is there, somewhere, and that’s enough. 

I angrily took this snapchat and sent it to all my france people. It says “I thought that I left france…” because of the rain. My little host sister lauriane just sent me a snap back saying “”non, tu la quitteras jamais vraiment” (no you’ll never really leave it ) and i want to cry. I miss her so much. 

Coming back felt like leaving my home to go to a familiar but ultimately foreign place. I still feel like that. December can’t come quick enough.

I angrily took this snapchat and sent it to all my france people. It says “I thought that I left france…” because of the rain. My little host sister lauriane just sent me a snap back saying “”non, tu la quitteras jamais vraiment”

(no you’ll never really leave it ) and i want to cry. I miss her so much. Coming back felt like leaving my home to go to a familiar but ultimately foreign place. I still feel like that. December can’t come quick enough.
tagged → #i'm going back #home #ughh

Like okay xaver referred to chris my “boy toy” which pissed me off but then when I told him that was never a thing he was like “oh you mean it’s not a thing anymore?” No like it was NEVER A THING. he wanted it but I was only ever slightly into it and then I got a boyfriend. But this kid keeps insisting that chris and I were together in some way which isn’t true at all. Then when I mention sam he’s like “oh yeah what the fuck is that?? You shouldn’t be in a long distance relationship it’s college.” Thank you wow now I realize that I would much rather be single and aimlessly fuck a bunch of shitty rich white boys than be with a person that makes me happy and is good for me

"Maybe it won’t work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever."

(via unenergetic)

I actually love this
It’s so comforting

(via u-nprecedented)

"

All these boys want to fuck me, then forget me. They like having me there when they feel like it. Like the thought of me moaning their names and that’s it. They invite me over, say, make yourself at home. So I climb onto their fire escapes and shake.

All these boys like to text me late at night, when they’re bored. “Just thinking about you,” they say. And that’s it. Or they type, “I read your poetry. You’re going somewhere.” “What did you read?” I reply nervously. When they get back to me it’s one, two, three weeks later. It’s, “I don’t remember. Some stuff.” And that’s it.

I am wondering what they’d write if they wrote about me. “She was nice. Sort of pretty too. But mechanical. Preplanned. I don’t think I knew her much at all.”

Or worse, “We talked a few times. I liked the way her mouth looked. Wanted to feel it on me, you know? Thought about us fucking a few times…Yeah, I’d say I knew her pretty well.”

All these boys wipe their drool on me like I am just the flesh. Just a place to die in, for the night. Just a sweet thing to reflect on when they’re feeling heavy. Just an idea that they never got and still don’t want. And that’s it. That’s it.

"

And That’s It | Lora Mathis (via lora-mathis)

v

(via pouvoires)

it was all ok. i forgave you. we were going to be together. you chose me and i forgave you. but then you called me back crying saying that there was more. 

i feel so sick 

god i want to be with you so fucking much but i hate you and everything that youve done to me. you were supposed to be the good thing in my life and fuck you for ruining that 

i love you both so much

but this is so beyond fucked up 

why why why is this happening

There’s this kid sleeping in my bed. Like he passed out in my bed during a movie. wary 2 ask him to sleep like A NORMAL HUMAN rather than curling up like a fucking cat at the end of the bed bc I don’t want him to try to make a move mid cuddle

Go the fuck home whaaat is happening

I AM SO INSECURE ABOUT HOW MUCH I MISS YOU AND HOW MANY PRETTY GIRLS YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KISS AND THE UNCERTAINTY OF EVERYTHING IN OUR FUTURE

I’M SO INSECURE ABOUT MY COMPLETE AND UTTER LACK OF FRIENDS IN A CLOSE PROXIMITY

I AM SO INSECURE ABOUT ALL OF THE GUYS WHO WANT TO FUCK ME BUT DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME. LIKE IS THAT ACTUALLY ALL I’M WORTH BECAUSE I’M STARTING TO THINK SO

Yeah be threatened by the “heaps” of admirers I have. Fuck them. None of them even look at me the way you do.